A Cautionary Tale featuring Lara Croft

The 'Cautionary Tale' was a type of poem invented and popularised early in the 20th Centrury by Hilaire Belloc. Written in the style of a children's poem, with easy rhythms & rhymes, they were of course really aimed at adults, and were a send-up of the earlier Victorian moralising literature that previous generations had been subjected to. With the help of his friend Lara Croft (opposite), Paraglider humbly presents a latter day Cautionary Tale for our own times. No children, animals or animations were hurt in its creation!

The sorry tale of Matthew James

who grew too fond of playing games,

computer games, that proved to be

his ruin, as you soon shall see -

Young Matthew James, when very small,

a toddler, scarce a boy at all,

while sitting on his mother's knee

and being coaxed to eat his tea,

observed, between his spluttered dribbles

his elder sister, playing Nibbles;

saw how her nimble fingers flew

across the keys. 'I'll do it too'

he thought, and in a month or less

acquired a skill fit to impress

a champion. None could match the lad,

but early triumphs can be bad

for character. He grew obsessed,

till, not content to be the best

at Nibbles, graduated through

Tomb Raiders, Doom and quite a few

less memorable except to those

who spend their waking hours with nose

12 inches from a pane of glass

whereon their virtual heroes pass.

Time passes. Matthew James attained

the age of puberty. Untrained

in social intercourse, to speak

to girls was quite beyond the geek,

but oh! the joys of Lara Croft -

he kept her picture in the loft

where, almost daily, sad to tell,

he entertained himself too well,

enraptured by her glistening thighs

and breasts of monumental size

(yet could not look her in the eyes).

How long this might have gone unchecked

is yours to guess, but I suspect

that Matthew James would have descended

to a sticky end (no pun intended).

Except he never had the chance,

for Lara, sick of this 'romance'

which left her feeling sorely used,

manipulated and abused,

one evening in a fit of peak

drew both her guns and killed the geek.

And oh, the gall his parents tasted

to see their darling sadly wasted,

But through it all, they never drew

the lesson that is clear to you

and me, that little ones should play

with other little ones, OK?